The everchase

May 8, 2016 § Leave a comment

One of a writer’s greatest fears is not having anything to say.

I itch and scratch, buying fancy new writing implements, but the words do not come as easily as they once did.  Instead of thoughts pouring forth, they are sought, constructed, carefully considered.   Does this mean I no longer have important things to say?  Would anyone care if I did

They say that if you get the inside right, the outside will follow (whoever “they” are).  My insides have never been right, never will be right.  This makes me slightly miserable about my outside.  But it doesn’t stop me from trying on the inside.  One thing that hasn’t changed, despite my waning ability to articulate it, is my skill, my habit, my need to turn inwards, to seek the hidden meanings, hidden truths.  To search the cavities of my consciousness for the answers.  Forever the navel gazer!  But a stronger version of myself because of it.  Knowledge is power after all.

For many years I have avoided writing or stopped writing all together because the story was too big, the words were too many.  There was so much to say so how could I find the place to start?  And the right place at that?  How would I know if it was the right place?  What would happen if it was the wrong place?  Even my writing is not immune to my need for control in all things.

And what if I got the story wrong?  What if people didn’t understand, what if I used the wrong words, failed to convey the strength, the power of my message.  So many of my stories are important, so important, that the fear of failing to share it adequately, to speak the truth perfectly as it occurs for me has caused me to turn away and bury the words.  When you write about matters of the heart and mind, there is nothing worse than someone being unable to grasp the depth of the concepts or experiences you disclose because of your poorly chosen syntax.

I still have so much to say.  Stories to share, experiences to impart, books I must write.  I have to take a deep breath and just start again.

Just keep running, keep moving, keep chasing… just around the next corner… keep running, don’t stop, don’t give up…

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