Life as we know it

March 3, 2015 § Leave a comment

Like a warm autumn breeze, Nic blew back into my life today.

I knew he was coming, had been okay with it. A little excited, a little apprehensive, nothing life changing. We spoke this morning and it was fine, his voice sounded different to how I remembered it which surprised me. But I was okay, again nothing life changing. Then we met this afternoon and unexpectedly his lopsided grin carried me away.  I was surprised again – this time by how gorgeous he still was/is.

I had thought that I had romanticised him in my mind, the man that Nic was or the notion of who he was, because of where I was at when we spent time together two years ago (almost to the week). I had thought that, now feeling strong and secure in my marriage, I would feel differently about him this time around – not indifferent but less affected – knowing that I was not seeking anything from anyone, least of all myself. And whilst I think this is mostly true, it still surprised me when his smile made me light up; his innocent charm was just as I had remembered it as were the curves of his nose and lips and the shadow of stubble on his face. In fact, everything about him was as I remembered (except his hair, which was neater). His smile made me smile.

Perhaps I was not so spellbound two years ago as I thought I was. Perhaps I was not so bewitched. Perhaps I was not so miserable in my marriage and seeking something, anything just to change my life. Perhaps I really did love him. And perhaps my heart really did break at the idea of never seeing him ever again.

Whilst seeing him today has made me consider all of the above it has not, as I thought it might, wrenched me back into the thorny and treacherous circle of lust and desire. I have not thought about lying or cheating, I have not thought about how to manipulate, how to get the things I want.  I have not thought about hurting my husband.

Instead I have thought of how many different lives we are offered, how many chances we are given for a different path and how many infinite alternatives exist in the way we live our life. I think of all the men I have known and loved and lost, and wonder if I would be a different woman without having known each and every one of them (of course I would be). I think of my husband and how much he loves me, how much he has sacrificed for me, how wonderful it is to have his company every day of my life. When I think about these things I feel happy and at peace – the most important things I could hope or wish for, over and above any lust or desire for a man, however beautiful he may be.

Perhaps tonight I will dream about Nic’s beautiful smile, my lips on his, my fingers through his hair (he is so lovely to look at after all).

But it will be just a dream, nothing more. He will leave again in a few short weeks and when he’s gone my life will continue as it has for the last two years, without him.

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