February 11, 2015 § Leave a comment
Always a blessing, always a curse.
Weekends with the kids are so busy. They haven’t gotten any easier. Constantly tidying up, picking up, cleaning up. Constantly telling off, asking, instructing. Constant noise. Not a moment’s peace! A constant barrier between my husband and I; a small warm body in the way, breeding silent resentment in me.
I love that time first thing in the morning when the kids are still asleep and it’s just Adam and I moving quietly about the house, making tea and reading the papers and watering the garden and feeding the dogs. Then that plunge, my heart diving deep inside my chest as the sliding door is shunted open and a bleary-eyed little person stumbles through (no semblance of a “good morning”). My jaw clenches and the rest of the day goes downhill from there.
The evening comes and Adam and I both fall into bed. He never seems as weary as I am. I suppose they are his kids and so of course he loves them and enjoys spending time with them. It is not as much of a chore for him as it is for me – not all the time anyway. Evening is when he wants sex most of the time but I am usually so mentally and physically exhausted that there is no room left in me for him. So he reads instead, pretending it’s okay, and I lay there staring at him, pretending it’s okay, realising how beautiful he still is to me and wishing that I’d had more time over the weekend to just lay and stare at him.