April 25, 2013 § Leave a comment
I am supposed to be catching up on a post I started this morning before WP decided to glitch up and refuse to save my draft copy which resulted in it being lost all together. So I’ve been sitting at the computer for about an hour, fuck-assing around doing everything but. As is so often the case lately, I am procrastinating, and seeking inspiration I once again find myself looking back, reminiscing, searching, always searching.
When I made the move from Diaryland to WP, I did all the necessary backups etc and in doing so realised that I have written in excess of 900 posts over the last eleven years. That’s a lot of writing over a long period of time, and Jesus Christ has there been some marvellous writing during the years.
I love looking back at old posts sometimes just to take in the power and enormity of them. My writing used to be so damn edgy. It was moody and passionate and powerful and clear and it fucking depresses me that I can’t remember the last time I did such kick ass writing. Every now and then I will stumble across an old post and just go wow, that is some fantastic writing.
Of course, the best writing I have ever done has been at times of extreme pain and/or duress. Nothing makes the heart open like cutting it in two with a hot knife. I remember writing when I was really ill about how pain is all relative. I remember writing about the ups and downs and ups and downs and ups and downs of my dysfunctional relationship with Rome. I remember writing about how the world yawned off its axis when Adam told me he was leaving his wife. I remember writing about how it hurt, something hurt, like being beaten like a dog. I remember writing about the curves of Adam’s body and the thickness of his hair. I remember writing about the traumas I lived through as a child and how they had shaped me into who I was then. God, I’ve done some amazing writing over the years.
So what happened? In truth, I don’t know. After Adam left his wife and family in mid-2009, I slowly stopped writing over a period of not quite twelve months. In part, I suspect this was because there was so much that happened in those first twelve months that I simply couldn’t keep up with it in writing. There was too much drama, fighting, heartache and pain that I simply couldn’t write about it all. On the flip side, I suspect the dwindling writing was also due to the massive change in lifestyle I experienced. I went from living alone to living with a partner again (a partner with two kids no less) and so immediately you lose some of that broody, alone time which so often breeds emotional, heartfelt writing. Additionally, I was happy. Yes there was drama, fighting, heartache and pain but that mostly revolved around his ex-wife and the significant trauma she was struggling through. Adam and I were enjoying a new honeymoon period all over again and I’ve found that when life is good, you tend not to write as much.
(to be continued)