A month on

March 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

One month ago (tomorrow), I went out with this kid for a night on the town and a couple of hours in his hotel room afterwards.  That one night has changed my life, and the after-effects, like ripples on a pond, continue to wave through my existence.  My life hasn’t changed because I immediately fell in love with him or because it was the best sex I’ve ever had.  It changed because when I came home the next day, I realised that I could be married and so totally, absolutely in love with my husband and still want someone else, still want to be with another man.  This sounds so simple and obvious but it has rocked my world – and my husband’s.

When we got married, we agreed that marriage wasn’t a life sentence tying you to one single person for the rest of your life.  We agreed that nothing is guaranteed, least of all marriage, so we committed but never promised.  We also agreed that it went against our natures to only ever have sex with each other for the rest of our lives, so we promised to always be open and honest with each other about our needs and wants.  In doing so, we effectively understood that we would want other men/women throughout our marriage, and that acting on those desires would be okay so long as we went about it with honesty and respect for each other.

So why has me wanting (and ultimately having) another man thrown our lives out so traumatically?  (1) because I was not respectful to my husband and so my actions have hurt him (and by proxy also hurt me).  (2) because I did not anticipate the intensity of desire I would experience.  Both these things lead me to (3) which is that I never expected these questions that I am left with, these ripples which impact every area of my life. Now, slowly, I am discovering what the chase means to me, why it forms such an integral part of my life and my being.  I am finding out about what marriage really means to me.  I am realising how self-absorbed I can be and why this is.  And in this process, in all this self-discovery and personal development, I am crushing my husband, I am hurting him almost more than he can bear.  I could never have imagined I would ever be in such a place. Any other time I would have left by now and I would be halfway around the world chasing whatever crazy dreams/stars/men I was after.  I’d have ripped the floor out from under some poor man’s feet, had a good cry, picked myself up and started again with a sparkle in my eye, blissfully ignorant of the why’s and how’s of it all, totally focused on what was around the next corner.  The fact that I am pushing myself through this incredibly raw and painful process is testament to the love I have for my husband and, to some extent, the commitment I have to our marriage.

(to be continued…)

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