No going back

March 3, 2013 § Leave a comment

Adam and I watched a movie this evening called The Vow.  A young married woman suffers a brain injury from a car accident and can no longer remember her husband upon waking from her coma.  The film tells the story of their struggle to continue life together after the accident, their subsequent divorce and then her journey of discovery back to the man who was once her husband.  I cried a lot 🙂

It made me feel like I’m going through a similar process with my husband, except I spent the night with this gorgeous kid instead of having a car accident.  Certainly there has been plenty of subsequent trauma and we are undoubtedly struggling to continue our lifestyle together.  There hasn’t been much talk about divorce (only how horrible the prospect is) but certainly I feel like we are both trying to discover each other again.  We are trying to find the way back to each other and the journey is two steps forward, one step back.

We made love this morning – the first time since Nic (not including “the morning after” which we would both rather forget about).  It was lovely to be close to him again but I couldn’t help but cry a short while afterwards.  I think I had in my mind that when we both felt comfortable again to have sex with each other that it would change the dynamic of our relationship again (for the better) and that I/we would feel better.  Neither happened and so I felt sad, confused and guilty.  We both realised this morning how far we have got to go to recover our relationship, to be what we were before I experienced something different.  For the first time, I wished that none of this had ever happened…  But the feeling only lasted for a moment because I know in myself that the only reason any of this is happening is because somewhere, somehow we have a need for it, that there is something to be learned.  Our marriage will be all the stronger for it in the end.

There’s still not a day that passes that I don’t think of Nic and his long hair, his gorgeous grin, his deep breathing.  Fuck I miss him, and I know how crazy it is, but it’s just how I am at the moment.  What I did that Friday night is one of those memories that will stay with you forever, one of the moments that you will look back on and recognise as a turning point, an experience that has such a massive, rippling impact on your life.  We may never see each other again, we may stay friends or become good friends, we may drift apart over the weeks and months and never speak to each other again… But what I did that Friday night has changed my life and no matter what happens in the future, there is no going back from that, not ever.

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