Flailing

February 22, 2013 § Leave a comment

This morning my heart is heavy.

I am hurting because my husband is in pain.  The one person I cherish above all others is hurting and it’s because of me, because of what I have done, because of the way I am.  I feel sick and so very, very sad at the thought of it. 

I am sad because I miss Nic.  I had a taste of something great and now it’s gone and there’s no way of getting it back.  I am being forced to let go and it rakes my insides.

I am confused because of how each of the above conflict each other.  I am so in love with my husband and so in lust with Nic.  I cannot understand how I got here or why I am here – or worse still where the exit is. 

I’ve had one night stands before.  I’ve had some great ones and some terrible ones but they never pretended to be something they weren’t – which was just one night.  Nic was only ever one night and we both clearly understood that yet I am left gaping, left wanting, left seeking.  He is right – I chased too hard, I gave away a little too much without even knowing it; except it wasn’t just a little, it turns out it was a lot.  I somehow gave away a piece of myself – my heart, my integrity, my place in life – without even realising it until it was too late.  I am mourning the loss of myself and of this great thing that I had in Nic (I still can’t even discern the person from the concept).

I feel foolish and naïve – both of these things are unheard of for me.  I know myself better than anyone can know themselves.  I have spent thousands of hours exploring the dark crevices of my heart and mind, yet I do not recognise this place, I have never been here before.  Not only did I not see this coming, even after it hit me I have failed to understand what to do about it.  I was given a brief and I failed; I somehow missed a step or fudged a question and I’m still standing around looking for the answers. 

I see reminders of Nic everywhere and it drives me crazy.  I keep thinking I will turn around and see him out of the corner of my eye like I did so many times over the last several weeks.  It doesn’t feel real that he’s not here, that he’s gone.  There are a dozen reminders every day but I never say anything, I never tell anyone.  These are the only things which I keep for myself.  I either smile or cringe for a moment, and then I pick myself up and keep going.  There is no other choice.  It is exquisitely painful but I have no other choice.

I watch my husband and I see the depth of his sadness, regardless of what he is saying to me.  Sometimes I can barely bring myself to look into his eyes, knowing that they will give away more of him than anything else.  Other times I cannot bear to see it at all so I shut my eyes or look away, leaving me with a sense of betrayal and self-loathing.  How did we get here? 

He is terrified of losing me; I can feel it in his bones.  He too is desperately looking for the answers – what to do, what to say, how to be.  He tries to reconcile the fear in his heart with his desire to remain strong; to reconcile his need for love and reassurance with his intentions to be supportive and understanding.  The conflict is obvious and pains me to watch.  Even worse is I can’t help him, I can’t guide him, I can’t tell him what to do.   

We are both flailing around trying to find our place in this aftermath.

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