February 22, 2013 § Leave a comment
This morning my heart is heavy.
I am hurting because my husband is in pain. The one person I cherish above all others is hurting and it’s because of me, because of what I have done, because of the way I am. I feel sick and so very, very sad at the thought of it.
I am sad because I miss Nic. I had a taste of something great and now it’s gone and there’s no way of getting it back. I am being forced to let go and it rakes my insides.
I am confused because of how each of the above conflict each other. I am so in love with my husband and so in lust with Nic. I cannot understand how I got here or why I am here – or worse still where the exit is.
I’ve had one night stands before. I’ve had some great ones and some terrible ones but they never pretended to be something they weren’t – which was just one night. Nic was only ever one night and we both clearly understood that yet I am left gaping, left wanting, left seeking. He is right – I chased too hard, I gave away a little too much without even knowing it; except it wasn’t just a little, it turns out it was a lot. I somehow gave away a piece of myself – my heart, my integrity, my place in life – without even realising it until it was too late. I am mourning the loss of myself and of this great thing that I had in Nic (I still can’t even discern the person from the concept).
I feel foolish and naïve – both of these things are unheard of for me. I know myself better than anyone can know themselves. I have spent thousands of hours exploring the dark crevices of my heart and mind, yet I do not recognise this place, I have never been here before. Not only did I not see this coming, even after it hit me I have failed to understand what to do about it. I was given a brief and I failed; I somehow missed a step or fudged a question and I’m still standing around looking for the answers.
I see reminders of Nic everywhere and it drives me crazy. I keep thinking I will turn around and see him out of the corner of my eye like I did so many times over the last several weeks. It doesn’t feel real that he’s not here, that he’s gone. There are a dozen reminders every day but I never say anything, I never tell anyone. These are the only things which I keep for myself. I either smile or cringe for a moment, and then I pick myself up and keep going. There is no other choice. It is exquisitely painful but I have no other choice.
I watch my husband and I see the depth of his sadness, regardless of what he is saying to me. Sometimes I can barely bring myself to look into his eyes, knowing that they will give away more of him than anything else. Other times I cannot bear to see it at all so I shut my eyes or look away, leaving me with a sense of betrayal and self-loathing. How did we get here?
He is terrified of losing me; I can feel it in his bones. He too is desperately looking for the answers – what to do, what to say, how to be. He tries to reconcile the fear in his heart with his desire to remain strong; to reconcile his need for love and reassurance with his intentions to be supportive and understanding. The conflict is obvious and pains me to watch. Even worse is I can’t help him, I can’t guide him, I can’t tell him what to do.
We are both flailing around trying to find our place in this aftermath.