The reason

February 19, 2013 § Leave a comment

Coming home to Adam and the kids today after an ass-raping bitch of a day was hard.  I miss Nic and feel really far away from him which has made me a bit sad, though “a bit sad” is better than where I was a few days ago which was fucking heartbroken.  Crazy.

He sent me an email this morning which I really struggled to make sense of.  He says that I knew he would write back (I didn’t) and that he’s a sucker for these sorts of games (are we still playing a game?).  He intrigues me and I find myself wanting to know what is going on in his life.  I’m struggling with my own reasons; what are his?

I find myself wondering if we can be friends.  I mean, I know we could, but I wonder if we will ever get there, reach that gorgeous comfy place where I am with someone like Joe (an ex-bf from about 12 years ago).  I openly adore Joe and I love the way I can say to him “I love you” or “I miss you” and we both just get it, totally get what it means.  It doesn’t mean I’m in love with him, but he has such a great place in my heart, a place that is full of love.  I could use more friendships like that.

The truth is that I miss Nic and I’m trying to understand if it is the person Nicholas or the concept of Nicholas that I miss.  The person Nicholas was this gorgeous, polite, charming, genuine, young, cocky, easy guy.  He was hard working and made me laugh with his attempts to mask his work frustrations on site.  He was simple and straight forward without ever being rude.  He was equally proud and defensive of his work.  He was just a lovely guy who worked really hard and had a gorgeous grin.

The concept of Nic and what he represents/represented to me was everything that I didn’t have – youth, a different kind of beauty, freedom and a quiet, peaceful comfort.  He represented the unobtainable which would become obtainable, the shiny shoes, the stars, whatever it was that I wanted that I couldn’t reach.  He represented the game, the chase, the fox in the hound hunt, the other player and everything that comes with it like excitement, anticipation, doubt and ultimately a satisfaction that cannot be matched.  What Nic represented for me that night was a life without boundaries or responsibilities.  Nothing was a problem – as long as you smile and relax, you’ll get through it.  Just smile 🙂

So is it the person or the concept that I miss?  Truly, it has to be both and in equal parts.  It would help if he was an asshole, but he’s not and he was never going to be.  For a short period of time we wanted the same outcome for different reasons and that is what brought us together.  And it is/was what it is/was.  But it’s hard to un-know something once you know it; it’s hard to go back – both metaphorically and physically.  Knowing that there is green grass that’s still out there; how do you forget that?  Stepping back into my life on Saturday morning was like a violent slap to the face; the kind that brings tears to your eyes (and tears it did bring).  At any other time it would not have hurt me, in fact, it would never have been a slap.  But Christ, it’s so hard to go back after something like that, like Friday night – at least it is for me.  When you get a taste, when you try on a new pair of shoes, all you want to do is wear them again and again and again.  Shipping said shoes out across the country for someone else to wear instead was a bitter fucking pill to swallow; I’ll give you the tip.

I am not the kind of woman who hears the word “no” very often.  When I do and I’m at work, I escalate, I problem solve, I come up with a work around or a compromise.  There is always a solution to get what I want/need and invariably I end up finding or I create it.  That’s my job and it’s something I fucking nail.  When I’m not at work, I tend not to yell or scream or stomp my foot, nor do I problem solve or work around.  I push it a few times, depending on my mood, but usually I retreat inwards.  Quietly, my body and mind aches and burns for whatever it is I desire; it consumes me completely to the point where I cannot think about anything else – all I can think of is how to have it, how to obtain it, how to make it mine.  Often there is nothing I can do, no one I can influence nor manipulate and so then I feel pain and there is no one that can heal it.  I can only search for the dark corners of my heart to soothe me.  Such has been the case with Nic.  I miss him, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it and this kills me.

Having said that, I think this also saves me – or more importantly saves my marriage.  Had he lived here in my city, I would be in real trouble; I have no doubt about that.  I cannot imagine how I would have let it go and really I’m thankful that I’m not in that situation.  I fear more than anything that I myself would not have had the strength to say no and that I would have thrown away something priceless just to be with him, just to have him, just to hold him one more time. 

He said something amazing in his email to me this morning – that intelligence is what captures and holds and at the same time it’s also what lets you release that hold and just appreciate it for what it was.  I really, really appreciate this and what it means.  Unfortunately I’m not at that point yet, of letting go, but I will be eventually (days, weeks, months?) and so this statement really, really resonates with me.  What an interesting lesson this will be – Chase learns to let go.  If that was the sole purpose of this beautiful kid being in my life for one night then it was well and truly worth it, regardless of all the pain.  There is a reason for everything.

Speaking of reasons, I keep coming back to wanting to understand his reasons for it all.  I couldn’t glean that from his writing this morning; he hinted at something but I couldn’t make it out.  Is this a habit that he perpetuates in the desire to keep learning about himself?  To see how he reacts the next time?  I didn’t understand and I find myself craving the answers, to understand his drive and his own questions.  I said before that briefly we wanted the same outcome for different reasons – what were his?  Perhaps there are none.  Perhaps he just acts as he feels and in his carefree nature he deals with whatever comes of it (i.e. “trouble”), accepting that he will learn from it and ultimately be happy again.  It would be good for me to know what it meant to him, it would help me keep things on my side of the fence in perspective.  Pining for a serial cheater seems less… reasonable than pining for a genuinely honest yet genuinely conflicted person.  There’s no motivation for letting go and moving on like knowing you were the next notch in the bed head or just something random in passing that seemed like a good idea at the time.

Today feels better than yesterday.  I suppose tomorrow will too.

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