Sugarcoating, part two *
July 17, 2012 § Leave a comment
So as is often the case, I’ve sort of lost my train of thought since my last entry. I’ll try and pick up where I can.
I think the point that I was trying to make, very inarticulately, was how difficult and lonely step-parenting can be sometimes. Even though we are married now and I feel closer to Adam than I ever have, we have somehow managed to stop talking. On one hand this isn’t necessarily a bad thing as no talking means there’s no dramas to be talking about. On the other hand, surely it shouldn’t take a “drama” for us to talk and really connect with each other.
Being a step-parent isn’t necessarily a drama – it is what it is and it’s something I decided to take on long ago. I think the point I was trying to make in my last entry was that the trials of step-parenting don’t become diminished but over time you learn to deal with them – either by adapting and essentially changing the person you are or by blocking it out and putting walls up. I think I have done a little of both.
What does sadden me is the realisation that Adam and I don’t talk about this anymore – not that we ever really talked about this I guess. His kids are the most touchy subject of conversation, always have been. He’s so mercurial when it comes to them and I never know how to read him at the time. He is so harsh with them both sometimes and yet at other times so forgiving, almost to a fault. Rarely affectionate, he is almost awkward with them sometimes – this is the one thing about his relationship with them that does not seem to have changed since the separation. I never dare to raise this with him as I cannot offer anything when it comes to parenting, let alone advice.
It is more sad for me that I cannot share my struggles with him – my frustrations with Elizabeth, my fear for her and our future, my desire to be closer to Harry (and undoubtedly my frustrations with him also at times!). I used to talk/vent/complain so openly and loudly about all these things when step-parenting was new to me. But all that did was cause stress and pain and so through the long term process of sugarcoating, I don’t do that anymore.
Instead, I keep it to myself and tell myself that it’s not a problem, and if it is then it’s not my problem because they’re ultimately not my kids. Part of that is the remnants of my emotional detachment which enabled my survival over the last couple of years. The other part is the result of me being consistently considerate for the last couple of years.
At times I feel like I’m kidding myself, which I guess I am at least some of the time. I tell myself over and over to just walk away, let it go, don’t let it get to me, just LET IT GO. WHich I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to stop and yell,
“OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD!!!”
But I never do. I don’t even whisper it to myself anymore; it barely even forms a thought in my mind because I push it out as quickly as it enters. I’ve only just realised recently that I do still feel this way sometimes and I need to do something other than pretending I don’t (for everyone else’s sake!).