Something new *
April 10, 2012 § Leave a comment
It has been so long since I’ve written that I had all but given up on ever putting pen to paper again. So much time has passed – how do you ever catch up with it all again? Recently the urge or the need to write has returned, albeit slowly. I hope this is a good thing.
I am getting married in six weeks. I am excited and apprehensive.
I now find myself in the extremely unique situation of planning to sleep with another man, while my fiancee knows about it. How did we get here??
I am excited about my impending wedding day. I am happy and in love with Adam. I am anxious about becoming a “wife” and slowly becoming all those stereotypes which accompany such a nametag, such a title.
Wife to mean can mean boring, frumpy, tired, sex-less, bitchy, insecure, demanding, ruling, unhappy, trapped. I hope that this is not the kind of wife I will be and whilst you can plan some aspects, who really knows how it will turn out? It’s a mystery. I hope that I have just enough anxiety about becoming all those things in order to prevent them from happening.
I also hope that I can achieve something in my life that will overshadow my status as “wife”. I don’t want to be introduced in 20 years time as “This is Chase, Adam’s wife”. I want to be, “This is Chase, the writer.” Or something. I don’t want to lose my identity by becoming a wife; perhaps another reason why I don’t want kids – so that I don’t lose myself and become this machine whose sole function is to provide for her children (and whose secondary function is to provide for her husband!).
I love Adam so much that tears come to my eyes, but I think that’s all wrapped up in my many emotions leading up to our wedding. He is my best friend; he is everything I could want and need. I am so lucky for him to come home to me every single day.
So why then do I want to sleep with another man?
Certainly there is ego involved. Anyone who has an affair is lying if they say ego isn’t involved. I knowAdam loves me, finds me attractive, sexy, fun, intelligent etc. I know that. He doesn’t need to tell me every day but he does and I love it anyway. But if he carried on and on about me, it would get tiresome, of course it would. So I don’t know where the appeal comes from when the compliments – spoken or otherwise – are from someone else. They are fresh, new, different… maybe that’s a;; the appeal there is to it? That it’s new? Who knows. But yes, there is ego involved.
There is also excitement and I think this too stems from being something new, something different. Perhaps that really is all there is to it. That excitement in meeting someone new, putting on a show as you get to know each other, preening, being polite and making all the effort that you don’t always employ in a long term relationship or marriage. The expanse of possibilities and opportunities; the anticipation of the unknown and the unexpected. Of course there is excitement.
I am lucky with Adam in that we can have these conversations and that he allows me the freedom I enjoy. Perhaps “allows” is not the right word, but he understands (I think) and tolerates. Everyone has limits though, Adam included, and the only thing that scares me about all this is finding his and hurting him as a result.