September 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
If I am aware of anything when it comes to my writing, it is that if/when I avoid my writing, I am in effect avoiding my life. I have not seriously written in over five months; and it is now becoming harder to avoid avoiding writing than it is to just avoid it.
Part of this procrastination is about letting go. I had subconsciously decided some time ago that my old blog was becoming more of a burden than the tool or the insightful gift it had been in the past. Within those pages lies my heart and soul for the last eight years and more. There’s a lot of life in those stories – and a lot of hurt. I have wanted to try another way to remove myself from those stories of hurt, to let them go with love and peace and the understanding that whilst they were all important parts of my life, that I didn’t need to hang on to them and keep them close like I was.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest ongoing challenges is letting go of things – of people, events, emotions, actions… letting go in general. And letting go of eight years worth of serious, serious writing is no exception – I’ll give you all the tip. While I have been hopeful that closing down my old blog would be effective in being able to move forward and focus on the prospective as opposed to the retrospective, it has nonetheless been a completely terrifying act of “letting go”. Some nonsensical part of me thinks that by closing down my blog, I am turning my back on eight years of my life, forgetting about it, writing it off; that I will forget all the things I learnt, all the things that unfolded during my years and years and years of deep personal exploration; that all the heart and soul that I poured into it will somehow be lost, either physically or spiritually. Of course I have a million backup copies of it saved on my hard drive and thumb drives and burnt onto CDs and stored in bunkers designed to survive a nuclear holocaust or the return of the Spice Girls, but that doesn’t seem to reassure me. I know that I will be able to log on and find it whenever I feel like it, whenever the need compels me, whenever I have forgotten all those things that made me who I have become. But that doesn’t reassure me either. Perhaps it’s just some crazy writers thing that only someone who had written an extensive and deeply personal blog for eight years could understand.
In any case, I am letting go of it and promising to myself that I will throw just as much time, energy, effort, heart and soul into this one – and that I can be so lucky a second time to learn as much here as I did there. I am nothing without being able to write about it.